Someone threw a spider on Emma today...

REALLY??? Poor baby has a phobia about bugs! (orphanage experience that causes her to have actual tremors when she relives it). Of all weeks, this was not the week to have a bug thrown on her! She had a spider bite earlier this week that sent her home from school. The doctor painfully drained it and then put her on antibiotics for a week. I know the little boy was just being a "typical boy". I have 3 grown sons that were just like that, so I don't blame him. It's just unfortunate. Emma squirmed and fidgeted for over half an hour before calming down. She kept saying that bugs were crawling all over her and swatting at her face. I just held her through her nightmare and kept reassuring her that there were no bugs on her. At one point, she said she just wanted to hit him with a brick. Yikes! That was kind of scary, but I think she was just expressing the depth of anger/fear she felt. I said, "That must have been super dooper scary if you would feel that angry." She said, "Yeah!" Then I said, "Boys are so silly. They love bugs and think that's funny, but they don't know how scary that is for you. They just love to see girl's squeal. I bet if he knew how angry and scared it would make you feel inside, he wouldn't have done it." She just continued with different scenarios of how she wanted to torture the kid. Clearly not done with the anger phase... I let her get it all out. Then I said, "Do you think that would make it all better if you hurt him?" She was quiet, and then said, "No, but I really hate that he did that!" I said, "Maybe we could help him understand..." Then Ellie walked in the door with some comic relief.  She said, "Emma, I told the boy that what he did was not a good thing to do to my sister. I said, some of us have pathological fears. I have a pathological fear of thunder storms and my sister has a pathological fear of bugs." The little boy said, "I have a pathological fear of American Girl Dolls!" Then we all started laughing. Much stress was relieved and we were able to calm down. Then there was a knock at the door. It was the little boy. With all the courage he had, he announced, "Emma, I have something to tell you, I'm sorry I threw a bug at you." She smiled and said, "That's okay." Then he started to run back home, but I said, "Wait, ya wanna see something cool?" I knew it would be awkward if they didn't start playing right away. I asked Emma if she'd like to show him the spooky Halloween decorations we put up yesterday. Ellie and Emma gave him the tour. 

It's 7:30pm and Ellie, Emma, and the 3 little boys across the street are are still outside playing. I know, I know... I should call them in for dinner, but it's a Friday night, and the weather is gorgeous, and Keith's working late. Besides, I think they learned some valuable lessons today.  I've been watching them all day... They have been creatively playing across the street with everything from sidewalk chalk, to sticks, to big moving boxes... they are our new neighbors and still unpacking. One of the boys was carrying around a little lizard all day until the poor little guy accidently got smashed. They buried him in (my neighbor's) front yard and had a funeral. They came over to pick some of the mums from the pots I set out yesterday, to put on the grave.  I heard the girls tell them, "We have to ask first." I have a feeling the girls are in for some rich experiences with our new neighbors. The boys remind me of our 3 boys when they were that age. They are 3 little stair steps, each 2 years apart, and all boy!!! I love it!

Cheers to Emily!

It's official, my daughter-in-law, Emily, is a college student! She starts on Tuesday and is studying education. This has been a dream of hers for quite a while. I'm so proud of her for taking the plunge. She will continue working with Ms. Evelyn at the preschool while she takes courses online. This fall, Tyler began studying to get his Masters in mathematical education at UGA. Between work and school, those two will be busy for the next few years...

Spider Bite, Ouch!!!

Emma got a spider bite a few days ago. The school nurse took a look at it and called me to come pick her up and take her to the doctor yesterday. The doctor extracted the venom and sent it off to a lab, then put her on antibiotics. Not a fun time for poor Emma!

True Art!

This painting is among my favorite treasures... My amazingly talented sister, Dawn, painted  it. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it and put in a bid for it. When my precious Auntie B. saw how badly I wanted it, she outbid me and then gave it to me in honor of my mom's Birthday. Notice how the vibrant painting reflects the same beauty, grace, strength, and energy of the images below!

Wine and Cheese Party Sunday Night

Dawn, a neighbor, had several of Anne's friends over for a wine and cheese party Sunday evening to let her know we've missed her since she moved...

Saturday night, Keith and I celebrated Bill Krehbiel's birthday with friends at the Melting Point.

The Melting Point had an Almond Brothers' cover band playing there that night.

Girls continued their lemonade stand on Friday and Sunday afternoon

On Sunday, there was a golf tournament and the girls made over $80.00. Two of the golfers each gave them a $20.00 bill and told them to keep the change!!!

Ty and Em's trip to the beach with her beautiful family...

The photographer said, "Emily, I think these shots are giving me a glimpse into your marriage; Tyler is wild and crazy, completely oblivious that you are hanging on for dear life..."lol.

So... I started tennis lessons today...

A few years ago, when my neighbor Kelly moved in next door, she started taking tennis lessons. I thought that sounded like fun if it were only one or two days a week with women my age. I considered taking lessons with her just to learn the basics, but chickened out at the last minute. I actually failed tennis in college. Now, Kelly is a great tennis player and loves it. I sort of regret not taking lessons with her when she was a newbie. 

Recently, a new neighbor, Amy, moved in across the street. As we were walking our kids home from the bus stop, she mentioned that she just started beginner tennis lessons and that she was really bad.  I told her that I wished I could play tennis, but I would completely embarrass myself. She asked me to take lessons with her because she doesn't know anyone and assured me that everyone was a beginner. So I went with her today. I was just going to watch, but they told me to jump in. They were all very gracious and I ended up having a lot of fun. I thought it was just lessons, but at the end they said, "We'll see you all at the match on Tuesday. Don't forget, if your not a league member yet, to sign up for the USTA online so you can play at the match on Tuesday." Wait a minute, what??? I said, "I'm on a tennis team?" They all laughed. I said, "I just wanted to take lessons. I can't hit the ball and don't even know the rules of the game. I'm not ready for a match!" But they insisted that this is how you learn the game. So I guess I'm on a team now. There are about 12 people on the team and we rotate playing. They actually won 2 out of the 3 matches they played last week. 

The weather is cooling off and all the kids are spending more time outdoors... YAY!!!

New neighbors recently moved in across the street. They have 3 little stair step boys (4, 6, and 8). All the kids were out running and playing today from the time the bus dropped them off until the parents called them in for dinner.

Mom's 70th Birthday Surprise!!!

My sisters and I flew into Dunedin to surprise my mom for her 70th Birthday. Our cousin Danny was in on the surprise too. I'm still in shock that my dad kept the secret from mom for 2 months. The look on mom's face was priceless... I will never forget it! She just stared at us trying to figure out if she was dreaming, then the tears started to roll. We made a video for her, like we did for my dad's 70th. Dawn and her (almost) son-in-law, Greg, did most of the work. It took mom through memory lane from her childhood to the present (gulp, tear, sniff). The weekend was full of good food, good wine, lots of laughter, and a few tears. 

While all the sisters were out of town, the husbands planned a fun weekend for the kids. Jay took Jonathan to Ohio to visit his grandmother and Ray took Will and Maggie to visit their uncle and cousins. Keith and the girls hung around here and did lots of fun stuff. He took them to Chuckee Cheeses, to see the movie Turbo, and to riding lessons... The boys and their gals came over one night and they all grilled out and built a fire in the fire pit. Keith took the girls for golf cart rides,  and played board games with them... whew, I'm tired just thinking about it! This was Emma's first time away from me, so Keith kept things moving. I feel so lucky. Our guys are the best dad's in the world!

The girls had a Lane Creek Lemonade Stand

Some of my favorite websites...

Here are some of my favorite parenting websites: 

http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/ - L.R. Knost’s website

http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2013/01/01/12-steps-to-gentle-parenting/ - 12 steps to gentle parenting

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ - Dr. Laura Markham’s website

http://greatparentingshow.com/replay.html - The great parenting show (interview with Dr. Laura Markham... great info!)

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/archive.html - This one has great Q & A's! Heather Forbes gives practical and genius advice that works. Read one article a day or week of hers, whatever works in your schedule. But you will definitely want to add this to your bookmarks and read every one of them.

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/ - This is where you can sign up to get Heather's daily reflections. They come to your email every day. Very short reminders that help you shift from parenting from a place of fear (which is prevalent in our culture) to parenting from a place of love. 

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/what-every-adoptive-parent-should-know/ - These are short video snippets that Karen Purvis does. I've heard a whole 8 hour seminar from this woman and it changed everything about my parenting. Keith also listened to it and it helped us get on the same page. But these short video snippets will give you a glimpse of Karen Purvis and what she teaches.

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/resources/ - This is Karen Purvis's website and is full of great stuff.

http://www.postinstitute.com/ - Bryan Post is the one that was in foster care as a child and now has foster children. So not only does he have all the degrees, but he has the experience to help defiant and out of control children. He also has lots of stuff on youtube if you google him. He's got some great short practical videos on there.

http://bbryanpost.wordpress.com/ - This is Bryan Post's blog.

http://parentingthatheals.org - Great Parenting Blog!

All of these are free and you can read on your own time. You can also order their books or dvd's. To me these are some of the best therapists out there, they are free, and I can invite them into my home everyday if I want (through the computer). Sending our kids to a therapist one or two hours a week will not provide lasting change for them. It's the parents, their primary caretakers, who are with them 24/7 that need coaching and support so they can most effectively guide their children.

Each of these therapist came to my attention by different people at just the right time. I initially was seeking help with one of my daughters to help her through the trauma of her adoption. At that time, one of my sons was struggling through a difficult transition, and the traditional parenting method of shame/threats/punishments/consequences seemed only exacerbate the problem and push him further away. When I started seeing the wisdom in what these therapist were saying and how much in line with scripture it was, I started parenting all my children this way. Things didn't change over night, but day by day, little by little, it changed everything. It changed how I see negative behavior and how I respond to it, which changed how my children responded. It is so countercultural that it may sound ridiculous to you at first, but the gospel sounds that way too... love your enemy, turn the other cheek, bless those who curse you... I promise, this is powerful stuff. It's also great to have at least one friend that can walk alongside you through this. There is also a lot of support on their websites. You can chat with other parents going through some of the same things you are going through. Don't get overwhelmed by all this, just try to grab a moment here and there or sit down with a cup of coffee and enjoy reading this stuff. Make it part of your routine, it will be worth it. It will slowly change the way you think and feel, which will affect your actions toward your children, which will have a ripple affect on your entire household. Your home will become a safe place, a peaceful place over time. Don't throw this out if you are not getting quick results... true, lasting change is a slow process, not a pill that will fix everything overnight.

Here's an article I got from Heather Forbes:

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a mental health diagnosis listed in the Diagnostic 

and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IVTR) under disorders usually first 

diagnosed in infancy, childhood, or adolescence. RAD was initially introduced to the 

mental health community some 20 years ago. Since that time, much of the information 

regarding this disorder has painted a dismal and often dangerous picture of these children. 

Books and articles have compared children with RAD to serial killers, rapists, and hard- 

core criminals. Intensive and often physically aggressive therapies have been developed 

to treat these children. Additionally, unconventional parenting techniques have been 

taught to parents in order to control these children—children referred to as “disturbed” or 

“unattached.” 

The main premise of RAD is that the child cannot socially connect or attach to others in 

interpersonal relationships. Behaviors inhibiting attachment to caretakers are often 

demonstrated by children diagnosed with RAD. Some of the behavioral symptoms 

published in literature include the following: oppositional; frequent and intense anger 

outbursts, manipulative or controlling; little or no conscience; destructive to self, others, 

and property; cruelty to animals or killing animals; gorging or hoarding food; and 

preoccupation with fire, blood, or violence.  

Wow! Read that list again. Many of these behaviors sound downright frightening. It is 

hard to imagine that a child can do these things. Yet, while these behaviors certainly 

appear abnormal for anyone, especially a child, they are actually quite reasonable 

reactions to the experiences these children have endured. Read on…. 

There are many life events that can cause attachment trauma between the primary 

caretaker (usually the mother) and the child. These include an unwanted pregnancy, 

separation from the birthmother due to adoption, death of a parent, premature birth, 

inconsistent caretakers, abuse, neglect, chronic pain, long-term hospitalizations with 

separations from the mother, and parental depression. Such life events interrupt a child’s 

ability to learn to self-regulate through the relationship with the parent.  

Typically, when a baby or small child is in a state of stress, he cries and the parent attends 

to the child’s needs, whether by feeding, rocking, or simply holding him. Each and every 

one of these interactions with the parent plays a critical part in assisting the development 

of the child’s neuro-physiological control system—the system that allows the child to 

return back to a calm state. It is truly through this parent-child relationship that we as 

humans learn how to self-regulate in order to stay balanced and easily shift from a state 

of stress back to a state of calm. This regulatory mechanism within us is not “online” at 

birth, and brain research has shown that it takes up to thirty months before this part of the 

brain is fully developed. Within this thirty-month timeframe, a well-attuned parent has 

connected with this child to calm his stress response system thousands, if not millions, of 

times. How critical these first thirty months are to a baby! It is through the parent-child 

relationship that a child’s self-regulatory ability becomes engaged. This internal 

regulatory system then sets the foundation for the child’s neurological, physical, 

emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and social development.  

When a child does not receive loving, nurturing care, the child’s ability to develop a 

sufficient regulatory system is severely compromised. In cases of severe neglect and 

abuse, the child’s life is literally at risk. For these children, their internal survival 

mechanisms become activated, dedicating all the body’s resources to remain alert in 

“survival mode.” These children perceive the world as threatening from a neurological, 

physical, emotional, cognitive, and social perspective. These children operate from a 

paradigm of fear to ensure their safety and security. Hence, we see an overly stressed-out 

child who has difficulty interacting in relationships, who struggles to behave in a loving 

way, who quite often cannot think clearly, and who swings back and forth in his 

emotional states due to an underdeveloped regulatory system. While perceived by most 

professionals as dangerous, a child with RAD is essentially a scared and stressed child 

living out of a primal survival mode in order to maintain his existence.  

With this understanding, the term “attachment-challenged” becomes more appropriate to 

use with children instead of the traditional label of “RAD child.”  In times of stress, this 

child is challenged to connect and his ability to make connection is restricted.  In fact, we 

all become attachment-challenged to some degree when we’re stressed.  Reflect for a 

moment on the last time you were overly stressed: How did you react when someone 

tried to interact with you? Be honest! Perhaps you had difficulty interacting 

appropriately. Stress causes confused and distorted thinking, and it constricts us 

emotionally, leaving little room for relationships. Thus, a child with a traumatic history 

who is living in a stressful, fear-based state, simply is not capable of nor equipped to be 

in a relationship. From a behavioral standpoint, a child living in a state of fear simply 

cannot act in a loving way. The frightening behaviors listed above are only external 

reflections of the internal fear and chaos within these children. They are simply behaviors 

that are intended for survival. 

Treatment for the attachment-challenged child needs to address this internal fear. When 

the child’s stress state can be soothed, and the deep wounds driving the fearful behaviors 

can be acknowledged, the child has an opportunity for healing. Yes, healing is possible, 

but it takes intense work and many, many repetitions of positive experiences to 

recondition the body’s reactions. It is also essential that the therapeutic attachment 

techniques and parenting paradigms enlisted for these children be grounded in 

neurological research and based in love and compassion. Such techniques can offer ways 

to create peaceful environments within the home that work to recreate safety and security 

in the insecure foundations set within these children.  

A word of caution from the author: Some therapists specializing in attachment therapy 

work from a fear-based platform and recommend techniques that are confrontational, 

aggressive, child-centered instead of family-centered, and fear-based. While these 

techniques sometimes offer short-term results, families using them are often faced with 

more severe long-term pain and challenges. Many of these therapies and therapists have 

separated themselves from dangerous techniques that have resulted in the tragic death of 

children in the past; however, they continue to lack compassion and are grounded in fear. 

Some examples of these techniques include instructing parents to force eye contact with 

their children; have children do excessive chores to feel a part of the family system; send 

children to respite care out of the home for making poor choices; give up their need to 

communicate love to their children; and put locks on the outside of children’s doors to 

keep them “safe.” When looking for appropriate interventions for families, be alert to 

these specific techniques. 

Be aware, as well, of techniques that talk in general about gaining control of a child and 

viewing the child as manipulative. These techniques are child-blaming, parent- 

controlling, and devoid of scientific research. It is counterproductive to feed more fear 

into an already scared child. When seeking help, it is highly recommended that you have 

a thorough understanding of the basis for each therapy being considered.  

When parents first begin realizing that they are dealing with an attachment-challenged 

child, they have likely already experienced many severe and disruptive behaviors in their 

homes. In these experiences, they themselves often begin to slip into their own fear and 

see the child as a threat (at times so threatening that they simply want the child out of 

their home, forever). Because the behaviors can be so intense, it is easy to lose sight of 

the child’s reality—that of a young person living in a world of pain, fear, and isolation. 

Resources are available, and hope for these families is real. Suggested resources on the 

Internet include: 

1. Beyond Consequences Institute: www.beyondconsequences.com 

2. Center for Victory: www.centerforvictory.com  

3. Child Trauma Academy: www.childtrauma.org 

4. Therapeutic Fairy Tales: http://foreverchild.net/ 

As a therapist specializing in working with attachment-challenged children, I am 

overwhelmed by great sadness every time I initially speak with a parent seeking help for 

their family. This sadness stems from the realization that all of these wounds and pain 

could have been avoided. Babies are born in a spirit of love, but it is life’s circumstances 

that shift them into a spirit of fear. All it takes to maintain this spirit of love is high 

quality care giving; it takes an emotionally available parent to create a secure and loving 

base for a child. Attachment Parenting in the formative years, from conception to three 

years old, sets the foundation for all future relationships, and it gives the child’s body’s 

own internal regulatory system the opportunity to develop to its fullest. The old adage, 

“an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” says everything in the context of 

Attachment Parenting.  

If you’re currently struggling with a child(ren) exhibiting symptoms of RAD who’s early 

beginnings were far from nurturing and secure, I want to encourage you to have hope.  

Several years ago, I found myself in the same situation, waking up every morning 

wondering how I was going to make it through the day.  In learning more about my 

children and understanding that their behaviors were driven from a deeply wounded 

place, I was able to parent them in a way that allowed healing to begin.  Yes, it is hard 

work and it takes endurance and faith, but creating a peaceful home is possible! 

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW 

info@beyondconsequences.com 

Heather Forbes, LCSW, is the co-founder of the Beyond 

Consequences Institute, LLC. Ms. Forbes has been training in the 

field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first- 

generation attachment therapists since 1999. She has been active in 

the field of adoption with experience ranging from pre-adoption to 

post-adoption clinical work. Ms. Forbes is an internationally 

published author, with her most recent book titled, Beyond 

Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for 

Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, 

endorsed by Sir Richard Bowlby, son of John Bowlby. As a 

speaker, her passion for families is known throughout the nation. 

Ms. Forbes consults with and coaches families both nationally and internationally who 

are struggling with children with severe behaviors. Much of her experience and insight on 

understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and attachment-related issues has come from 

her direct mothering experience with her two adopted children.  

Also, some of Keith's and my favorite spiritual websites are:

http://whchurch.org/

http://www.lifestream.org/

http://www.gracewalk.org/

Emma invited Abby and Wesley over for a tea party...

Abby, who is infatuated with kitty cats, said, "The tea is perfect Miss Michele, or should I say, PURRRRRfect". The girls were putting on dress up clothes for the tea party, so I offered Wesley a manly hat to wear. He declined and insisted on the Wonder Woman outfit. So we called him Wonder Boy! He watched closely as the girls held up their pinky's when they sipped their tea, but every time his little pinky rose, the tea cup turned upside down. He got more tea down the front of him than he did in his little tummy. After 2 tea pots of tea, Abby asked if there was anymore. I told her that was all we had. She said, "That's okay, I'll just drink a cup of sugar."

Emma's 8th Birthday Celebration!

We spent the afternoon at the mall. First we went to 1-2-3 Jump, then we got some soft buttery pretzel nuggets (instead of the traditional Birthday cake). Emma blew out her candles and opened her presents, then we went to Clair's and the Dollar Store for the girls to choose goodies for their goodie bags. Decisions, decisions, decisions... I gave them each an allowance to spend and they really thought hard about what to pick. Afterwards we had Dairy Queen treats in the food court. All the girls had a ball and kept telling me how much fun they had!!! I think they felt a little "grown up" hanging out at the mall...